“I have here with me a fully legal and binding written agreement that states that I am the sole owner of the sycamore, and that anyone found trespassing will be liable to pay a hefty fine.”

Kevin, the raven was visibly agitated and made his point in no uncertain terms in front of the unkindness. The other members nodded in agreement.

“Look at how my fine feathers are turning grey from worry. It’s an intentional breach of my rights and privacy; it’s a conspiracy against a conspiracy.”

The above words were met with wild and thunderous flapping of the wings. One member raised his beak and asked if there was a way to get back at the perpetrators.

“Oh yes, there is, there is,” cried Kevin with a glint in his eye. “We only have to turn to our loud cousins for inspiration. Their caws are highly annoying for the frail ears of those grotesque mammals; we simply must replicate it. Our lower croaking sounds cannot do.”

A member objected to the notion by stating that it was not within their means.

“Bah!” Kevin cawed, dismissively. “One can achieve anything if only one wills it. We have a living example right next doors. Who would have thought that pigeons could direct their droppings precisely onto their targets? That is now possible thanks to a little practice and determination.”

Mark was a dear friend
I had known him for fifty years
Or perhaps… uh… it was forty years
Um… Dear, how old am I?

Seventy-five (your wife shouts from the crowd)

Seventy-five, my my (look a bit surprised)
That means I had known him for eighty years
Seems an awful lot when you come to think of it
I honestly don’t remember spending so many years with him
Ah, the mind is always playing tricks on you
Making you forget things you did do and
Making you remember things you can never have possibly done
But that’s a story for another day
Now, where was I?

Mark (wife shouts again from the crowd)

Mark? Mark who?

Mark’s funeral, Dear (wife bites her lips and suppresses her urge to drag you off the stage, not because she does not want to create a scene at a funeral but because perhaps she is afraid one of her body parts might snap)

Ah yes, Mark. He was a fine young man
Who left us before his time
But nothing can be said of covid
Takes the finest young men and
Spares weak old men like me
(Cough a couple of times)

Dear, did you bring my meds?
(Wife shakes her head fervently)
Perhaps I have it in my pockets somewhere
(Scan your pockets hurriedly)
Ah, the lottery ticket
Now that’s where it was all the time
Should have guessed it
Should have guessed it
24, um… now what’s this

(Wife clears her throat loudly)

Ah, Mark
Mark, Mark, Mark (try to remember a memory)
Well, he always was fascinated by one thing
One thing always
(Scratch your head)
Dolls (triumphantly remembering)
Yes, Mark was always obsessed with dolls
Even at a young age, he wanted to understand
Dissect and investigate dolls
He had a whole collection of it which he stored in a secret cabinet in his room
(Mark’s wife gasps)
Yes, yes, I know
He used to brag to me that his wife didn’t have a clue about it
I thought he was wrong but ah, now I know

He also told me about his last wish
But what it was I can’t remember
I only know that he only told me about it
I guess it doesn’t matter now that Clark is dead