If Goats Could Speak German

Goats could speak German
Foxes could speak French
Bees delivered sermons
In Bengali to some bench
Snails could speak Spanish
Hyenas could do Hebrew
Elephants trumpet in English
And eels could do that too
Crows were fluent in Chinese
Asbestos in Arabic
Jellyfishes in Japanese
In an accent that’s exotic

Would we have looked at them differently?

A Bot Invited Me To Dinner

A bot invited me to dinner
I was taken aback, you know
After deliberating, I said, “Sure.”
It replied, “Is it Yes or Nos?”

I arrived at the place a bit early
Dressed aptly for the occasion
All the time I was thinking
How to strike a conversation

Some time later it said, “We’re sets.”
As he laid the dishes and plates
All I saw were nuts, bolts and cogs
As it smiled, “Boy, I can’t waits.”

22nd Century Wife

She has no expectations
She will make no accusations
She just does what she’s been told
She makes delicious breakfast
She will never break my earned trust
She will never ever get old
I never see her brag
I never hear her nag
She’s the kind of purchase
That is almost perfect for your life
A robot wife, a robot wife

She will never ever be fake
She will see through all your mistakes
She never tells me that I’m wrong
Life with her is pleasant
She will never need no presents
She even sings my favourite song
She loves me selflessly
She obeys so endlessly
Once I made the purchase
I relinquished my human wife
My robot wife, my robot wife

Of course she needs some repairs
But those are really minor affairs
Compared to all the gains you get
She will address you as — My honey
She is easy on the money
I haven’t had a complaint yet
I sympathize with you
If you’re not sure what to do
Go on make a purchase
To wipe out all the tensions in your life
With a robot wife, with a robot wife

The Most Powerful Weapon

Depending upon the opponent

A wrestling match can be tough

Especially if the opponent

Knows all your moves and stuff

So once I was face-to-face

With a very familiar foe

His fans call him Depression

I call him De-Press Joe

I can fight that meanie smooth

But that wasn’t how it was

He called upon his loyal pals

To build an unfair cause

There was Morose Donald

There was also Negative Bill

There was Ire ‘The Anger’ Rage

And many, many more still

It was intimidating

To face them all at once

I found myself uneasy

At my incompetence

Then it dawned upon me

My nerves got quite a kick

I got myself a weapon

They thought I’d never pick

When they came charging at me

I simply threw a Smile

And all of them went running

For around about a mile

Now when they come to fight you

You know just what to do

Simply deploy a smile

Then you thank me too

How To Name A Kid

I’ve got a great news to share

And also a dilemma

I’m blessed with a baby poem

I don’t know what to name her

Should I name her Rachel?

Debbie or Emily?

Should I call her Jessie?

Would someone please help me?

Should I keep it quirky

Modern or ancient?

Should I name her after

A former president?

Put yourself in my place

What name would come to you?

If you’re out of ideas

Here’s what you need to do

Find a Baby Name box

Lift its giant lid

Till then I’ll just call her

‘How To Name A Kid’

Wanted: A Poem Catcher

Somebody catch me my poems

They’re all over the place

They’re everywhere they shouldn’t be

Oh it’s such a disgrace

They start off from my head you know

And run around as they please

They’re even harder to catch I’d say

Harder than a swarm of bees

I chase after them all day you know

So often I chase in vain

In the morn’ they come to life

Then at night they run again

You see I really need your help right now

Won’t you help me for a while?

I’ll pay you handsomely I promise

I’ll pay you with a smile

To My Future Wife

Last night I was texting

To my fiancée

‘To my future wife’ is

How it was meant to be

Then there’s Autocorrect

Which ruined my whole life

Changed my loving words to

‘To my favourite wife’

Now she wouldn’t listen to me

She said she’s had enough

She couldn’t trust me ever

She called our wedding off