It took some before I realised
The root cause of all my pains
Inside my ribcage
Sitting slightly behind and to the left of the sternum
From the deep crevices of an organ
The size of my fist
Wrapped in layers and layers of tissue
All the pains emerged
Like soldiers marching into a battle
With sharp swords and spears
Flinging them at my chest
Till I break

I went to a nearby shop and asked,
“Have you a replacement for a heart?
Something that doesn’t break as often
Something that doesn’t hurt as much.”

“Nope,” she said. “I haven’t the thing I think you’re looking for
I have fine red apples here with me
Possibly the right size for your chest
But they’re no immune from disaster
All the finest care in the world will
Not stop this fruit from withering
Emitting a pungent smell
Leaving a bad taste in your mouth
Now unless you plan to greet me every week
And buy a bunch of these fine red apples from me
I believe I have not the thing you’re looking for
But I do know Joe, the handyman
And he, indeed, is a handy man
He’s got all the tools that any man has ever known
And some really useful implements
Be sure to darken his doorstep
If you wish to find a cure
For whatever disease it is that is plaguing you.”

I bowed my head and thanked her
She smiled and winked at me
I failed to understand her

“Hello, I’m Joe,” he said. “Welcome, welcome
Whatever is it that you’re looking for
You’re bound to find it here
I’ve got all types of screws in this world
All sizes and all colours
I’ve got nails of varying heights
And hammers that go with them
I’ve even got me a drill machine
That can penetrate through walls
Like a knife slashing butter
Or like a sword slashing veins
What is it you’re seeking? Oh, a heart, I hear?
A heart that cries very little?
And certainly feels no pain?
Oh my, oh my, I’ve got pins and bolts to fix everything
But don’t believe I have enough to fix your troubles
You’ve certainly put a bummer on me
I’m no longer the almighty Joe
Take, take my sincere apologies
And hurry, hurry towards the shrine
Where you’ll find a wise, old man
Who has plenty of time to ponder
On all that is and is not
But has very little time to shave or bath
Hasten, hasten, my friend, do not be idle
A woe like yours needs urgent attention
You better not lose a moment
Tell him all your troubles
He’s bound to give a solution
If he fails, I’m afraid
There’ll be nobody left to help you at all.”

I bowed my head and thanked him
He curved his lips in response
I failed to recognise that expression

Atop a little hill, an old dilapidated structure
Bore itself out in view
Against the blue backdrop of the summer sky
The climb was steep but brief
I paused at the entrance of the shrine
And reflected upon the craft and purses of men
Men who thought it needful
To build abodes for deities
Who had the heavens and beyond for themselves
While their sisters with their husbands and children perished all around them
The thought did not bring anger to my veins
As it had so often done before
But it did bring a recollection of the previous instance
When rage had seized me and held me captive for a moment that seemed to last a lifetime
Nevertheless, this was not the time to reflect
Upon anything but my aggravating pain
Which hammered at my chest
And tore at my spirit
I slipped the shoes off my feet
And stepped inside the sanctum

In the middle of a small, dark room
The man sat deep in meditation
Sat would be the wrong word
For the man floated an inch above the ground
With his long, white, wavy beard the only thing in contact with the slabbed floor
His eyes were closed, and he was mumbling I know not what
I could see him; I could see him because
He radiated light from within himself
He seemed magical or perhaps phony

“Excuse me,” I said, careful about not disturbing his poise too much
“I have come seeking an answer
Joe, the handyman, referred me here
He said that you can solve anything
Well, he didn’t say that precisely
But I suppose that is what he meant
I do have a problem and I implore you to give me an answer
My heart beats
It beats hard and fast
And it hurts
There are no two ways about it
It kills me from inside every day
Even now, as I speak, it is pricking me
With the jolt of a thousand thunderbolts
I fear that I may take it no more unless something definite be done about it.”

“It is not your heart that is beating,” the man replied without opening his eyes
“Your heart is not beating at all.”

I sat down near his feet at his signal
His legs were still crossed and hovering

With eyes still closed, he spoke:
“I did not hear your heart beat when you stepped in here
And I do not hear it now
Your problem is not your heart, but your mask
You wish to take out your heart
But it is your mask you should take off
But I fear that is not what you came to hear
My child, you will find what you seek
It is exactly what you want
Yet it is precisely what you don’t need
Nevertheless, carry your feet a mile from here
Where the sands and waters meet
There, close your eyes and listen
To the sound of the waves crashing
Whilst perched upon a hard surface
There you shall find your answer.”

Close your eyes and listen
To the sound of the waves crashing
Whilst perched upon a hard surface
There you shall find your answer

The words rang in my ears as I made my way to my destination
The beach stretched beyond the gaze of one’s eyes
The water, blue and pristine, was inviting
I sat myself down upon a rock
Took a deep breath and closed my eyes
The waves crashed one after another
against the silent, still, soulless rocks
Forcing the residue droplets upon my skin

The water felt nice and warm
The winds blew gently, gladly
The chattering in the distance became redundant gradually as I eased into my stance

Close your eyes and listen
To the sound of the waves crashing
Whilst perched upon a hard surface
There you shall find your answer

Time must have flown by
Whether an hour or an half – I wasn’t to tell
The answer still eluded me
The pain didn’t

A few more hours must have passed
Had the day reached its end?
Was Time moving swiftly or had it slowed its pace
I wasn’t to tell
With my eyes closed, the world, to me, had come to a still
My age I knew not
Time guised itself in the form of sand
Evading the tight clutches of one’s hands
Time, indeed, is an illusion
What if a month had passed me by?
What if a year?
What if Time had itself stopped to exist?
I could open my eyes and find out
But it was not worth it
The answer I sought was more relevant

Close your eyes and listen
To the sound of the waves crashing
Whilst perched upon a hard surface
There you shall find your answer

I did close my eyes and heard the waves crashing against the rocks as I perched upon one such rock and sought my answer
Nothing came to me
Nothing came to me until…

The sound of the waves crashing
Perched upon a hard surface

Yes, it did make sense
In that one moment or in that infinity of moments I found my answer
I opened my eyes

The rock, the rock, the rock
Silent, still, soulless rock
Senseless, stark and simple rock
The rock, the rock, the rock

When the realisation dawned upon me
I felt a surge for a moment, only for a moment
The answer I had sought
Was there right in front of my eyes
Was there all around me
A perfect substitute for my heart

But here I was wrong
It was a substitute no doubt
But far from the perfect size
The one I sat on was larger than my own frame
And so were the others around
The right size was indispensable for its residency inside my chest
I hunted high and low
I covered the length of the beach
For hours I forgot my pain
Because something was more pressing

I was about to lose hope and quit
When my eyes fell upon a beauty
A thing of pure and unparalleled magnificence
That silver, glistening stone had my name, and only my name, written on it
I picked it up
It was perfect; about the size of my fist
A little hefty but beautiful
It was love at first sight

I held the rock above my head
And watched with adoring eyes
How beautiful it seemed
With the moon as the backdrop

I placed it gently upon a larger rock
And looked for a tool to carve open my chest
Take my heart out and dump it in the sea
But I could not find anything sharp
Or pointy to carry out my surgery
I lamented my luck and cursed my heart

“How do I get you out of my chest?
Tell me, what could I do to drive you away
You miserable, wretched thing
You cause nothing but pain
All these years you have accumulated grief and sorrow
And used them to strike me repeatedly
I am exhausted
Not a single moment of joy have you kept inside
Not a single moment of love or appreciation can I remember
Why? Why? Why are you so troublesome?
What pleasure do you derive?
Pack your bags and leave
There’s no place in me for uninvited guests
You have overstayed your welcome
Now is the time for you to go
Go! Go!
I have found a substitute
A perfect replacement
It will not attack me or hurt me
It will not hoard bad memories
It will do what I want it to do
It will be my companion
Go away you wicked beast!
Take your savage form and leave!”

Presently I felt a jolt
A strong, shaking, shivering feeling
My chest ripped open and
Out stepped my heart

“Look here, you stupid, selfish, scummy little piece of dust,” my heart started
“I’ve had enough of you and I’m outta here
I don’t need no ungrateful master who does not appreciate how good a job I do
You blame me as you always do
As all your bros have done
As your sons will do long after you are gone
Alas, but, you will have no offspring
Because you are an idiot
And it is only fair that idiots do not go on to bring a child into this damned world
Being a parent is a job which should be reserved only to the qualified ones
Not to whiny, entitled fools
I know because I have had children myself
The veins that root in your body are my kids
I feed them everyday with my own hands
Together we ensure you and your wicked brain have enough to go on and lament about us
Speaking of your brain; ah, where do I even begin?
Not for a moment you have considered discarding your brain, have you?
It is your brain which belongs in the trash, not I
Your brain directed you to wear a mask because it was weak and could not cope with all the shitty problems
Your brain had rooms and it leased it out to psychotic, negative thoughts and then had trouble bringing rent from them or driving them out
So it decided to accept them as family and live with them ‘happily ever after’
My God, what an idiotic solution
I kept quiet through all this because I had no other choice
No heart does; we simply do our job till the end
I heard you blame me through all this
Your screwed-up brain mocked me
Yet I did not protest
And now you come up with this?
Another idiotic solution to solve your problems?
You want to replace me with this lifeless rock?
Just because it is shiny?
My God, you are hopeless
You are doomed; your brain is leading you to a pit
You are bound to fall
That is why I have no further role to play here
I am going
My children will stay with you; I pity them
They are absorbed by a sense of duty
They remind me of my youthful days
Nevertheless I will take my leave now
Hope you have a good time, if any.”

And that’s all he said before disappearing from my sight
I was stunned, but not surprised
I always knew him to be a perfect brat

My heart had vanished
My chest lay open
The silver rock in my heart glistened in the moonlight
A little heavy it was
I thought it to be the perfect fit
Alas when I tried to place it in my chest
It was slightly oversized

I turned it this way and that
Twisted it here and there
But the silly rock
Refused to stay inside
I brought it out and wondered
If I could only chisel it a little
Then all my miseries would disappear from within

I hunted and searched
But could not find an apt object
So I began to scrape the rock
With the nails on my fingers

I sat on the barren beach
With the moon supervising overhead
The waves and winds I did not notice
As I put my mind to the task

I scraped and scratched the hard surface
Slowly but surely I made progress
A thought did light up inside me —
How was I not feeling any pain?
I continued chiselling the rock

The sun rose and asked the night
To take some much-needed rest
But not a word to me did he utter
If he did I must have missed it
I was busy, you see

And then after a good many hours
I looked at the rock and exclaimed —
Yes this is the right size
I looked at it one last time before shoving it in my chest
This time it did fit

No sooner had I put a rock in my chest where my heart used to be
My veins connected their suspended ends to the silvery beast
And enveloped it completely
I smiled because I thought the transformation was taking place successfully
Because I thought that the plan was working
Because I assumed that there will be no more pain
How wrong was I!

My skin began to harden
My veins began to turn gray
My legs turned stiff
My head felt heavy
My eyelids wouldn’t blink
My nostrils wouldn’t twitch
The whole body was undergoing an unpleasant change

Then I fell
Face-first into the glistening sand
Devoid of life
Devoid of soul
Only a granite body for company
Along with the other massive rocks on the beach

As the golden sun awoke
The pain had disappeared, forever